What do you see when you look INTO your own reflection? Do you actually tell yourself the truth? Do you quickly glance, and shrug off a quick, “You’re good”? Do you pause for a while and quickly become your own worst critic? I’m not going to tell you the reasoning behind what you see. I’m not going to tell you what you need to do in order to see a better reflection. THAT is up to YOU. But, what I will state, is that whatever it is you see, is what your friends, family, and most importantly your kids see.

Monkey See Monkey Do

The past couple of months I have been noticing my oldest really digging into organization. She has sorted every shelf in her room, rearranged her furniture, and she has even started organizing the communal kids play area. While I absolutely adore her skills of organizing, I have become extremely aware of the fact that she has picked up a majority of this from me. But, organizing isn’t the only habit she has picked up from me. This is where I began to truly see what I have been teaching my kids throughout their childhood.

Every habit we create in our daily routine as a parent, is quickly noted in our kids minds. They see all that we do, and since we are adults, it must be ok. Most of us set out to be the best example for our kids. To show them how to constantly grow, how to be healthy, motivated, and how to be kind and respectful to others. And, of course, even as adults we sometimes slip and make mistakes. (No, I’m not just talking about dropping an F bomb in front of them.) Whether good or bad, our kids witness our behavior on a daily basis.

Your Habits: Familystyle

There’s Lifestyle, and then there’s Familystyle. Lifestyle is what you build for yourself as an individual. You cannot force anyone, even your own family, to choose the same lifestyle you chose. Familystyle, is the what is created in your home, as a family unit. All habits, beliefs, and personalities built together to create your families “style”, if you will. Our Familystyle IS our family ethos. We are a strong unit, we live in a daring way, we speak our minds, always grateful for what we have, we help others, and we never QUIT! We have this on our wall to remind us of our beliefs as a family.

To be honest, we as parents struggle to be consistent ALL OF THE TIME with our Familystyle. It is hard. Life is hard. Being parent, knowing that your every move is being inspected under a microscope by the second, is a pretty mind triggering sensation. This is not the paparazzi version of, “your on the front page one day, and the next everyone forgets about it”. This is your kids fully taking in who you are as their parent, breaking down all of the crucial parts that fit in their brain, and tacking that into their life story of who they will become later in life. (If that doesn’t make you check yourself, I don’t know what will.)

Having kids should make us all strive to be the most important role models that our kids will ever have. On some days though, we struggle to feel important to just ourselves. This is why we need to be able to form a strong bond with our own habits, our beliefs, and our own personality. If we can’t believe our own reflection talking back to us, how will our own family ever believe us. There will never be a strong presence of Familystyle if we don’t implement it on ourselves. Bad behavior, mouthing off, disrespect, bullying, self doubt, negative self image, negative self talk…just to name a few. Parents have these symptoms too. Practically every time a child shows symptoms of self disrespect, they learn those behaviors from someone they encounter on a regular basis. (In most cases it is us, the parents.) Show your kids that you are there for yourself as much as you are for them. Stop saying negative things about yourself. Eat healthier food. Exercise. Go get your hair done. Take the day off and walk around the park. Sit down and give yourself a pep talk when your feeling “off”. Knowing when it is time to sit down and “have a chat” with that person in the mirror, will teach your kids that it is ok to fall off track once in a while, but showing them how to get back on will be the best lesson you will ever teach them.

Keep Staring

We all have bad days. I’m a parent of three, I have quite a few bad days. I feel like I lose control of MY LIFE. “How on earth will I be able to manage my family, when I can’t even manage ME?!” The holidays are upon us, trying to keep up with the usual daily schedule, relatives visiting, animals going insane because it’s cold, house maintenance to do, all of it seems to pile up. Meanwhile, the parents are running around like a bunch of crazies trying to stay slightly sane! Anyone in the same boat as me? Here’s the truth: Yup, life is crazy, life is chaos, and you CAN manage it. It just takes a little guidance from your best and most knowledgable therapist: YOU!

Let me recall the questions above. I’m not sure if there are many individuals that would actually sit and stare at their own reflection for more than one second. Perhaps we should begin making a habit of that action every day. I don’t know about you, but I have a really hard time looking at myself in the mirror. (Unless I’m doing my hair or makeup. That doesn’t count.) I’m talking about actually sitting down and staring at your own reflection. It is awkward and uncomfortable! But, once we drop that curtain, it is time to have one of the hardest talks we will ever have. Harder than the birds and the bees chat with your kids.

We usually begin a conversation with, “How are you?”. I’m pretty sure if we were being completely honest, it wouldn’t be the answer we always give, “I’m doing fine”. Am I right?! Picture if you will, you’re staring in a mirror, and you ask the same question, “How are you?”. Would you be bold and lay it ALL out? Let yourself know how you REALLY are. Perhaps, you will encourage yourself with some kick butt motivational speech, or maybe you cry out what has been bottled up for a while. Tell yourself why you suck, but then make sure to tell yourself how to NOT suck. Make a bold statement of WHO YOU ARE! This is a conversation you needed to have, so let it out! The best part is, no one can interrupt or argue with anything you say (unless you do, of course.)

Notice how you talk to yourself. Self conversation is such a fantastic way of discovering your perspective of your own household. Are you aggressive, comforting, stand offish, warm, annoyed, understanding, happy, sad, accusing, empathetic. How you confront your own reflection says a lot about how you confront your family. It makes me recall the ever looped statement in my childhood of, “watch your tone”. It can be an ugly confessional at times, but a much needed one.

When it comes down to it, so many of us never talk to ourselves (or never admit that we do), so we could more than likely carry on a severely long conversation to make up for the lost time. If we can display to our kids how important it is to check in with ourselves, they will follow suit. Just like curse words, if Mom and Dad do it, it must be ok.