When you choose to intimately connect your life with another, your goals will become one of two things: warped, inconsistent, and unachievable…or goals will become solid, constant, and even more powerful than you ever imagined. The more resistant you are in sharing your goals with your spouse, the more resistance you will hold in your relationship. It becomes a dirty secret that is locked in a pandoras box. Only to be released in a moment of resentment and anger. Most arguments are caused by a build up of emotions that have been lingering for quite some time. I know this, and you do as well. This is no new information for anyone, and yet, we all still battle with this, myself included, within our relationships. We don’t want to disrupt our partners routines, goals, or even mood. We try to do everything ourselves in order to “keep the peace”. Sound familiar? These are normal human behaviors. And, they are also, exhausting human behaviors. I know, I used to be such a PLEASER, until I got wise. Or I should say, until I discovered that it is ok to speak up and do what I WANT to do, not what I NEED to do.

DON’T BE A GRUMP

It was brought to my attention, by my own reflection, that I would become a grump when I would take too much on myself. I would make statements of resentment and frustration in vent sessions. I would NEVER speak up to Rick, and say, “A Little Help, Please!” That was on me! I CHOSE to take on every little task, and eventually I would wear myself down…becoming a very unpleasant person to talk to. Negative verbiage would spew from my mouth, and our girlfriend conversations would turn to negative context about our significant others. As if we just fed off of each others animosity towards our significant others. It became overwhelming to me, and it struck me one day that all I ever did was complain about what HE wasn’t doing right…not ever really looking at what I was doing wrong! Well, that was a wake up call to me. “I must sound like an evil wife.” “Is it really that bad?” These are questions that I kept asking myself. I knew I had to flip something. That is when I began to ask myself about my role in our marriage. Do I ask for his support? Do I set goals for myself? Why do I FEEL I have to ask permission? Do I do anything for myself? Do I even ask him if he can help me? BOOM…that last one hit me like a ton of bricks!

Well, thank goodness that was quite a few years ago…and I can tell we have moved far away from that grump (hopefully Rick can too)!! You see, I never asked him to help me. I never shared my goals with him. I never shared my schedule with him to see if he could do some pick ups or drop offs, so I could have some free’d up time. I never communicated ANYTHING with him. And that, itself, became heavy and exhausting to carry around. ALL those communications never shared (locked up in my pandoras box) were making me a grumpy wife, mother, and friend.

OPEN PANDORAS BOX

Ever have a secret that you new would improve someone else's life, but you just kept it in hoping they would figure it out on their own? How did that work out? Probably had to do some clean up down the road huh? Well, that is exactly what happens when you keep secrets from your spouse! Here’s the deal…You chose to marry a person. “In goodness and in bad; In health and in sickness…” I think a new line should be edited in: “In sustainability and in GROWTH!” We are HUMAN. We change, we adapt, we grow. That process never ends. If you are not willing to accept that your spouse is HUMAN, then perhaps marriage isn’t your thing! That may be harsh to hear, but it is a truth.

I am not the same person Rick married almost 16 years ago, and THANK GOD!! I loved myself then, and I love myself even more now! Same for Rick. He is completely different from the man I married. And I love celebrating how far he has come from that point! We celebrate each other! (You see how my verbiage has changed?) Once I began to open up to him, I began to see the amazing potential I HAD. We take for granted what we have right in front of us every day. We don’t look at the potential of support we can give to others, that we find enjoyable as well. In my case, I married a triathlete, I have athletes all over my house, and I love to cook. In just opening a conversation with Rick, I had the idea to begin cooking food for him, and our tiny human athletes. I began researching athletic diets, which lead me down a rabbit hole of nutrition confusion; which lead me down another rabbit hole of integrative health; which lead me down a rabbit hole of mental health; which lead me to my certification and career I love now. See how that worked? The minute I began to COMMUNICATE with Rick, my entire world opened up. He wanted to hear what I was studying; how it would help him, and of course, he wanted to eat all the food I was making. (Although Joe Rogan and I still compete for influence!) Life became fun and exciting! We became a team that worked together. Never afraid to ask each other for help. He lays out his training schedule for me so I could fuel him up properly. I pick his brain about different podcasts and books he listens to to expand my knowledge of nutrition. We constantly feed off of each other (no pun intended)!

A LITTLE HELP, PLEASE

If you weren’t afraid to say yes at the alter, you shouldn’t be afraid to say, “A little help, please”. Your spouse is your partner. They are not a God that doesn’t do humanly things. You should respect each other as equals. (Even though competing over who is stronger is hilarious sometimes-”I can finish an Iron Man vs. I can have babies naturally”) Bringing two lives together into one, can be a bit overwhelming. But, add kids to that, and your in for a crazy ride. Chaos is a cute little word for such a ridiculous sequence of events that occur in the daily lives of parents. Although, we have come to love our chaotic household. We are finally at a point to where we find our chaos almost meditative. When we have a slow week (i.e. events are canceled, vacation times, closures, etc.) we kind of freak out. As if something is wrong with our lives! It is far from a balancing act. It’s more like a game of “Hot Potato”. We do map out our schedules. We do share those schedules on our phones. I even have my own written out schedule in the kitchen I have visible every day. Oh, and not to forget the schedule we all pass in the hallway on our way to the car in the morning. HAHA. As chaotic as our house seems, we make sure we are all one the same page with everything that is going on. We help each other MAKE THINGS HAPPEN.

I have learned, and adapted, in asking for Rick’s help with pick up’s, drop off’s, and carpools. We discuss our schedules with each other, at least once a week. If we don’t write it on our schedule, it’s our fault for missing out! And we have come to understand that when we don’t tell each other about a schedule conflict, or an event, we take away any potential opportunity for the other person to have a fulfilling moment. Whether that be in having a special moment with our kids, or even a sense of giving the other parent a moment to relax. Communicating YOUR LIFE with your spouse is a consistent pattern that should be on repeat throughout your marriage. The minute you start to feel overwhelmed, sit down with your partner and ask for a little help.

CELEBRATE

Most people that know us, know that we go on weekly dates. We always carve out one night a week (at least) to spend alone. No kids. (And most of the time, no phones.) We love celebrating us. We began “dating again” a few years ago, and it stuck! Some weeks it is hard because of our crazy schedule, but we make it work. Even heading into the basement to share a glass of wine and watch our favorite show together works for us-no kids allowed!) We realized that when our kids grow up, and move out, that we would be stuck with each other, not really knowing who that person was that we had to look at all day long! We didn’t want our nest to become “empty”. We wanted our nest to be fun, loving, and adventurous. One that we would still love being in when the crazy, hectic schedule began to slow down. And while we love thinking about growing old together we have also come to a realization.

We realized we are only guaranteed NOW, this moment! Who knows if there will ever be a THEN? Have fun and enjoy this amazing person while you know you have them…right there in front of you. Celebrate them; celebrate you; and celebrate what you have both accomplished together. And, if you feel as though you don’t have anything you have accomplished together, discuss what you WANT to accomplish together. The point is this: You began your lives together with a celebration; your wedding! You should make your ENTIRE lives together a celebration. Don’t leave that celebration in a photo album, collecting dust on the coffee table.

If you truly want to celebrate your relationship, and continue finding joy throughout your home, help each other, love each other, and communicate with each other. If you cannot love who you are in your relationship with your spouse, CHANGE IT! Don’t keep your secrets in that pandoras box. Talk it out, share your goals, give your spouse opportunities to be more involved. ASK your spouse for a little help, please.

“I Love You Not Only For What You Are, But For What I Am When I Am With You.” -Roy Croft

HAVE A HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!