all my soul
My family is where my soul is visible. My spouse is where my soul is understood. My heart is where my soul is scarred. I have replaced my past sadness and sense of deprivation into Joy and connectedness within our home. I have replaced a silent, non communicated conversation into an equal give and take relationship. But most importantly, I replaced those scars and cracks in my soul with LOVE. It has taken me many years to find these aspects of myself. Many tearful moments, painful experiences, and years of feeling lost. I only came to realize what feeling whole truly meant when I finally sat down and had a conversation with someone incredible. Someone I knew would give me the answers I was looking for all along…MYSELF!
START WITH A ONE LINER
“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”- Eden Ahbez
I find this one liner to be quite attention grabbing! Ever had anyone walk up to you and use that one? It is quite a deep statement to start off a conversation with, right?! Even harder when you say it in the mirror. Where does one begin to even answer that question? It’s just a one liner, so perhaps a simple answer of, “I love you.” But those words have such deep rooted meaning, especially when saying them to yourself.
This topic reminds me of a lecture I heard from Bernie Siegel. He was discussing displaced anger, and how many of us take it out on our loved ones, or even on strangers. But, he challenged us, as his students, to replace anger with love. So, instead of getting mad and yelling and screaming, to simply say “I love you”. See how the person or object you are angry with reacts to your statement. YOU may even start laughing, and possibly wonder what you were mad at to begin with. Quite honestly, it was a hilarious challenge, and I encourage everyone to try it.
Now, what does this lecture have to do with looking at yourself in the mirror and saying, “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return”? Well, when one truly thinks about it, we are only ever mad at ourselves, and that is why our anger surfaces. I’m not kidding. Think about it. Have you ever gotten mad at a loved one, possibly your children, for doing something that YOU do all the time? It is quite shocking to witness others mirroring a behavior you dislike, and then realize you do it yourself. Or, perhaps you catch yourself being triggered by the same kind of environment or behavior all the time. A loved one says a remark, “Can you tell me later, I’m Busy” because they are busy (totally displaced from being angry at you, they are just busy), and you get aggressive and angry, and begin to lash out at them. These are important moments to take note of. A note that you need to love YOU more. Give yourself the credit that they are not mad at you, they are frustrated at a situation that they are handling. While it is okay to reply that you don’t appreciate their tone, lashing out in an aggressive screaming tone is YOUR reaction to YOUR trigger. Find out why THAT is your trigger. Have a chat with YOU from the past. Dig up what happened to create such a trigger for you. Then, make sure you explain that to your loved ones. Let them understand so they can support you and help you. Communication is the key, but that communication begins with yourself. If you have no idea why you react to things a certain way, how is your family going to understand it?
JUST LOVE
In order to appreciate our personal stories, we need to LOVE OURSELVES. I don’t mean the lovie-dovie kind. I mean the ugly cry, I hated this part of my life, but it is why I am who I am today, kind of LOVE. You see, we all come from different backgrounds, different upbringings, and different family histories. It isn’t until we begin to LOVE those aspects, that we can find our soul. Our true foundation of why we are who we are, and how we got here. It isn’t by some magic wand, in fact sometimes it is just flat out dreadful. But, if we never felt the bottom; if we never suffocated; we would have never been able to build up; we would have never been able to open doors; we would have never been able to climb any stairs; and we would never have been able to breathe a HUGE sigh of relief when we FINALLY broke through the ceiling. You see, it all comes down to the foundation. If you don’t fill the cracks (with LOVE), they get wider and wider…the structure is bound to fall.
And don’t get stuck in your old story! Your old story is just that…OLD! It’s not the you of TODAY! Unless you want to be treated like a 6 year old…which I don’t think many adults do. Instead, think of how a 6 year old thinks, maybe even how your own 6 year old thinks. Do you think a 6 year old has the capability to hate who they are. To yell at others for doing something they think is wrong? No! They have no understanding of wrong from right! They have no idea what shame is…until it is taught to them. Be kind with the messages you send to yourself. Be understanding of the messages you send to yourself. Be loving with the messages you send yourself. Your words are more powerful than you think. The whole rhyme of “Stick and Stones may break my Bones, But Words May Never Hurt Me”, yeah…WORDS ARE EVERYTHING! What will you say to the old self in order to become who you need to be now? Perhaps, you need to just love.
Of course, some of our history can be horrible and traumatic for us to relive. But, until we can face those times and understand that those moments do not DEFINE us, we will never begin to understand that those moments indeed BUILT us. We need to learn how to LOVE, not necessarily those moments, but what we FOUND in those moments. Did we find anger? A feeling of neglect? A sensation of violation? Do those findings still have a presence in how we react and live on a daily basis? If you “Just Love” these scars of your soul, you will begin the healing process. Your soul will begin to feel connected to who you are. And when you “just love” yourself, that love pours out to others around you. And when that much love is around you, you will finally feel that “love in return”.
