Let Them Talk
I will admit, I have told my kids on more than one occasion to be quiet or to give me a moment. That’s just human instant reaction at it’s worst. Typically I force silence on them when I am stressed out, overwhelmed with a project I am working on, or even when I literally just sat down to relax in peace and quiet. It is always the wrong time for me! It wasn’t until I heard a story about a highly demanding and demeaning father (of a girl that suffers severe anxiety now), that I began to rethink my “demands” of my kids to “BE QUIET”.
IT’s YOU; IT’s ME
There is never a correct direction to point the finger. It usually ends up pointing in the same direction that it began. Full circle. So rather than trying to establish who needs to voice what, when, and where, create routines that everyone can agree on. Find out what each persons triggers are, and talk about them. It may be odd to think that YOUR KID has triggers at such a young age, but these are developed in the womb. I know for a few in our house, sound is a major trigger. I don’t mean loud music or even fireworks (we are a very loud bunch!). I mean TOO MUCH sound at once, coming in from all directions. It can throw our “focus” off, and cause a trigger of anxiety, followed by energy drain. (This is actually quite a common trigger for many households.)
My son would become irritated and “grouchy” on our 7 minute drive home. I asked him what it was that bothered him on such a short trip. He told me that he didn’t like all the noise in the car. All three of them telling me at one time how there day was, music in the background, and occasionally the traffic from outside. I told him I didn’t like all the noise either. It truly brought my high energy level down to a full drain in those 7 minutes. So I devised a plan WITH the kids. We all agreed that I will play “gentle” music (basically spa like music) when I pick them up from school, and we can enjoy a peaceful car ride home. And when they are ready to tell me about their day, they can come and fill me in whenever they would like after we get home. I can definitely see a difference when we follow through with our agreement. No tantrums, no fighting, and my energy levels remain high. It’s amazing that all it took was a small conversation with my son to create a more harmonious car ride home.
Finding out those triggers that will offset mood, our kids mood, helps us be better parents. It doesn’t mean we are going to walk on eggshells all the time, nor does it mean tantrums will never happen. It shows that you truly do care about one another’s happiness. Let’s put it this way; if someone were to constantly do something that we found annoying, as an adult, we would more than likely go crazy, lose our tempers, or walk away, never to return. Well, that is basically what kids do when they are annoyed. They just don’t have the skills and tools we have accumulated through our life experiences, in order to cope with the anxiety build up. It is an important conversation to have with every member in your household. Our experiences as adults can be tools and skills that our kids can take hold of and learn from, if we would learn to listen and allow them to talk as much as we do.
TALK TALK TALK
Yes, talking is a huge theme of today’s blog! It is an amazing gift that we, as humans, have been given to utilize. Sadly, we rarely use “talking” as the main tool in solving problems. Whether it be a medical complication, or just not getting our kids to get along. “Talking” is a tool that we all need to sharpen more often. I, myself, included in that.
For me, I have a “presence” issue. I tend to ask questions, and then my mind wanders off into a totally different subject, or on to the next thing I’m going to say. I am rarely THERE for the answer. Anyone else have that? I call it scatter brain! In order to sharpen that tool, I practice on my kids. They are the best to talk to. I find the crazier the question I ask, the better the answer I get…It truly intrigues me to WANT to hear the answer! I ask questions that I would ask adults. The answers are so innocent and transparent. Truly the most honest answers I will ever hear will come from the mouths of my babes!
I do still ask the boring questions like, “How was school today?” Just to hear the boring answer all kids give: “Fine.” But the questions I love asking the most are questions like these:
“What was one nice thing someone said to you today?”
“What was one nice thing you said to someone today?”
“What did you create with your hands today?”
“Did you have a fantastic talk with anyone today? Can you tell me about it?”
“How much did your awesome level rise today?”
“Did you see food in another kids lunch that you want to try?”
I ask so many random questions. That’s how I get to know my kids! I think it also allows them to get to know themselves. I can sometimes see their minds “working” to find the answer to some questions! I absolutely love it! I love planting thought provoking questions in their heads. These are questions that will be engrained their whole lives, and they will continue to ask over and over. It is the curiosity questions that form who they will become later in life. Asking them how school was? I mean, really? When you were a kid, did you get all excited when someone asked you how school was?! Doubt it. Asking interesting questions gives you more in depth information about who your kid is; what goes on throughout their day. We already know they are learning the basics at school, we want to know who they are, how they operate, who their friends are, how they interact with their teacher. So, don’t be afraid to ask ALL those questions. Our kids WANT to share who they are with us.
THE SILENCE
These amazing little people enter our lives filled with curiosity. From the time they are born, they are mindfully taking in sounds, sights, smells, everything our world has to offer. It is only when an obstacle stops them in their track, that their curiosity becomes fine tuned. Sometimes these obstacles are boundaries that are necessary for their safety. However, there are some obstacles that are far more impactful in the long term than hitting their head on a table.
Children have no perception of self criticism, until it is taught to them. Critical words, statements, and actions can cause severe emotional scarring for kids, and even babies. Humans have a need for love, comfort, and empathy from the time they are conceived. The outside world still matters when they are in the womb. It is crucial to be mindful as adults, when speaking and showing affection to our kids. This does not mean being a soft parent, and letting your kid get away with everything. Sometimes we do need to practice tough love in order to display consequences of actions. However, sometimes the “parental stresses” take over, and we turn flat out mean! We say things that we later regret. We make statements that affect our kids later in life in their own relationships. We watch our kids grow resentful and frustrated with us. How do we prevent all of this? Well, we can’t PREVENT it all, but we can put a major curve in the severity of these climaxes.
Reverse the silence. Make it a regular practice to ask your kids at least three questions a day…AND LISTEN! Don’t jump back on your phone while they are talking, and stop letting your mind wander. LISTEN!! That is all your kids want. They KNOW when you are not listening to them. My kids catch me all the time, and I welcome them calling me out. It is something I take pride in knowing…that my kids are not afraid to call their own mama out on, and vice versa. We don’t get angry about it…in fact, we actually laugh at it (most of the time). And if you are truly busy, tell them to hold that thought, and you can’t wait to hear the awesome things they have to tell you. Give them an opportunity to get their project done too! Don’t think that your work/project is more important than theirs, at their level “work/projects” are all the same. It really does work, I swear! It takes some practice, but once you learn to master it, your relationship will blossom.
I tend to treat my kids “adult like” at times. Bringing my kids up to my level for certain discussions (not all), gives them an opportunity to form responsibility and respect. In my home, continuously berating my kids only leads to more separation from the underlying topic of discussion. When I incorporate them into plans and routines, there are less requests and arguments needed. Some may disagree with my tactics, and that’s okay. It definitely works for my family though. Openness in my conversations with my kids have truly been an amazing gift that I will always cherish. From time to time, I may have a set back and yell mean words, but, I will always correct myself and let my kids talk.
