The Full Recipe
Yes, I am completely crazy to be talking about bread right now! I can’t even eat typical bread, so why on earth would I even select BREAD as my go to metaphor for this particular blog? Well, I respect the process in which bread is made. It truly is an art. The way all the ingredients are combined to create the dough. The patience it takes to allow it to rise. The muscle work one must use to knead, in order to create the strong texture. And finally, the resistance to not break it open too soon. I guess it does sound like raising a family in a way?!
The Ingredients
We all know how babies are made, at least hopefully those that read this blog know! Yes, two individuals combined can create another human, but what else do you need after that? Well, that is a loaded question when speaking about HUMAN ingredients. Based on each particular family, a variety of items will be needed and called for. The outstanding fact, however, is that those items (or ingredients) change and adapt throughout that entire families livelihood based on life events and challenges.
The easiest of all ingredients, which tends to be overthought and made overcomplicated is LOVE. I mean, who doesn’t want to be loved? Love is the MOST powerful ingredient we can pour into anything, be it a human, a recipe, or anything we do. We tend to go beyond what love is asking of us, which is to be there, be present, to care. Our minds get wrapped up in the chaos that surrounds the situation at hand. Be it not knowing how you can afford ____, or what others will think (the chaos swirls in our heads in many different forms). All love asks of us is to be…no price, no returns, no questions.
The second ingredient I want to call out, that has given me so much fulfillment in my own family, is OPEN PERSPECTIVE. It’s no secret that every individual has their own thoughts. That includes EACH member in your family. What I see or hear as a Mom, may not be what my children see…and that is ok. You see HOME is where our kids learn LIFE skills, like having an open perspective. If we keep cutting off our kids in their own home, the place they are supposed to feel safe, where are they supposed to learn to be open to others ideas in a non dogmatic way? Listen to your family when they have something to say, and be open and non criticizing on their opinion. Rather, if you know something to be true, and they are false, show them how to engage in an open and positive conversation. No age is too young to teach open perspectives. Plus, you may learn a thing or two yourself.
There are so many different styles (ingredients) in raising a family. It’s the reason each home carries different beliefs, strengths, and traditions. It’s like walking into a bakery and seeing the amazing wall of fresh baked loaves. The beautiful thing about bread, is that there are sooooo many different flavors, styles, and textures. Just like families, bread is unique right down to each individual loaf. While it may come from the same origin, or recipe, each baker adds their own variety of ingredients to call it their own.
Patience and Kneading
These two go hand in hand in baking and in life. Many times you have to knead your dough a few times, then sit back and wait it out, before you can even move on. In a family, I feel like this step is on repeat….A LOT! We have three kids, so that is three times the kneading and waiting. If you count the spouses, tack on some more kneading and waiting. So why is this such an important step in baking? Well, much like life, if we don’t put effort into mixing the ingredients, it gets weak, it lacks strength, and it collapses.
It is pretty common practice in households, that once a child reaches a certain age, that they are on their own; “independent”; they can manage themselves. But, how do we even come to that conclusion, when we, as adults, still need assistance in managing our lives? Adults turn to therapists, psychiatrists, and hundreds of other outlets for assistance when we find we can’t knead out certain situations. But, how are our kids going to know how to knead out situations if we don’t show them how? We forget about that amazing and beautiful round ball of dough we have rising in our own home. So many times we adults underestimate the intelligence of our own children. They see us struggle, they see us get mad, they see us fail. And what do we typically do…we seek assistance outside the home without even the smallest discussion inside the home. Most households are not even aware that a family member is battling depression, eating disorders, or other complications. Adults are so afraid to open up THAT world to their kids, and spouse, in fear of the IDEA that it will traumatize them. Well, it won't if you have patience and show them, step by step, how you will combine strength WITH THEM to rise up through your complication. What WILL traumatize them is witnessing their loved one becoming distant, crazy, sad, hyper, violent, and you insert the blank here. That is when we collapse as a family; when we decide that our own problems are ours, or our Childs problem is there's! I have never heard any child (or even any adult for that matter) declare, “waiting out my problems alone, and having no support is so amazing!” No one says that!
The thought of a child being singled out and having to be forced to take on a world of psychology or medical care alone, should disturb everyone! Yet, in so many homes some are so afraid to bring other family members into the mix. They fear what others will think, say, or do. Let them talk, gawk, and think! May sound difficult to do, but it’s not. When you have a loved one that is weakening, you need to grab as many other family members that you have in order to knead through the situation. If you don’t, the entire family will collapse. Not to mention your loved one will feel like they don’t belong. Imagine being a teen that has been told they have Severe Depression and that THEY need to attend therapy sessions throughout the week. Or imagine you are an eight year old that was told by a person in a white coat that you have cancer. These are MASSIVE words that these two cannot process yet. They NEED support; they NEED others to help them process their situations; they need to feel as though the family is going through the process together in order for them to rise up. (Sometimes telling the health care professionals that you prefer to discuss the news at home with them as a family, rather than them blatantly telling your child in a cold office.)
It’s easy to throw ingredients into a bowl. It’s much harder to continuously work the dough to form a strong yet flexible base for bread to rise up properly. But, in the end, a loaf of bread tastes, looks, and feels better when it is full of texture and flavor.
Time is Everything
Not a day goes by in our house that Rick and I don’t think about how fast time goes by. We see pictures everywhere of the kids from infancy to now PRETEEN!!!! I can’t believe it. And every step, every age, and every phase has been such a major impact on my view of life around me. I’m pretty sure, that at every phase of their childhood I was bombarded with advice on what milestones they should have reached, what they should be learning, and of course, their weight and height specifications for that exact moment of their life. As if I had a robot come out of me to hit everything at exactly the same time and pace as the other robots of this planet. Seriously?!
Time is a funny thing. Do you ever notice though, that nothing ever reoccurs at exactly the SAME time? I’m positive that every time I cook or bake something, it always takes a different amount of time, EVERY time I make it. Bread never takes the same amount of time to bake, or even cool after it’s done in the oven. Even food is aware that it can ripen on its own time. People are just the same. If we would only wait, listen, and feel out all that life is presenting US in that moment; not follow the guidelines of life according to a “so called expert”.
Children are severely targeted in the realm of “Timing”. Like I said before, it’s all about milestones, weight, height, etc. It all begins the second they enter this “human world”. Actually, it happens before they enter…so many women are enticed into inducing a pregnancy before a given due date. (Even the “due date” seems a bit extreme…how the heck does the Dr. know when the baby is going to be ready to come out?) While some are for medical reasons, so many are not. So BAM…already their child is being put on a timeline for “human perfection”. I mean, do you really and honestly think every baby should be walking by 1 year. Some babies are READY to walk earlier than 1 year, does that mean we need to cage them up and say, “No walking for you!” Some don’t have strong enough muscles to lift up their bodies until after 1 year, do we attach them to marionette strings and start poking them with a stick to say, “Move those legs!” No!
The problem is many don’t look as these timelines as just mere guidelines. That’s all they are, suggestions if you will. Some kids will be ready, while others may not in EVERY lifetime milestone. And I say lifetime because even as adults, we still have milestones to reach. And even milestones are unique for each individual. Forcing a child, or anyone, to accomplish something before they are ready is setting them up for a failure that they cannot own. A failure they never welcomed by initiating on their own. It’s similar to pulling a loaf out of the oven, and immediately breaking it in half. All the steam gets released, and all that beautiful moisture dries out. Basically turning all your hard work into a crumbling pile of bread crumbs. It is so important to give THAT loaf enough time to find that perfect temperature (because each loaf is different). Don’t force time to go too fast! Allow life to be ready in its own time, unless you like breadcrumbs.
My Loaf
Growing up in a large family, and now having a family of my own, I constantly try to add in new and inventive ingredients to make our loaf more flavorful. Rick and the kids add so many other flavors that I would never even think of, which makes it even more enticing. While there are times that we all need to slow down and listen to each other, we are getting stronger every day by learning how to mix in ALL the ingredients each of us brings into the mix. No complication, event, or heart breaking news is too much for us to handle. As long as we can ALL work through it, in our own time, we are able to rise up together. That is the full recipe of a family!
