REAL Parents
Becoming a parent is not a one party agreement. It takes two to tango, so it will take two to hold the entire routine together, if you get my drift. The foundation of my family is built within the strength of the relationship I hold with my husband. Those walls collapsing creates intense exposure to insecure surroundings and a lack of warmth within any home. Children have a peculiar way of sensing emotions through witnessing physical interactions and responses. They are completely aware of our anger, jealousy, annoyance, and irritation in hearing our tone of voice, and even by observing our physical stances. (They are also not shy about informing you of their observations!) The importance of building a REAL relationship with your spouse (former or present) is a key element in our children’s growth.
A REAL Relationship
Some may know that Rick and I still have “Date Nights”. Once a week, we have our nanny watch the kids, and mom and dad have alone time. Our kids sometimes have a hard time with this (which I must admit, feels pretty good to know your kids love having you around), but we continue to tell them that one day they will appreciate how much their mom and dad loved each other, and they cared about their time together. Kids need to understand that it is just as important for their parents to take time for themselves, as it is to take time for the family.
Parents sometimes get lost in the chaos of life, and forget why they even wanted a family to begin with. Setting aside time to remind each other of how your story unfolded, and what the next chapter may hold, allows your relationship to be inclusive for both of you. When one parent is overwhelmed and completely lost in work, it is easy for the other to feel shut out, even left out. Sharing your stress, your chaos, even your excitement can bring you closer, and create somewhat of a team atmosphere in your house. Knowing you have someone in your corner, who may not understand what your going through, but at least they are there to pull you back up when you come crashing down…That is who your spouse truly should be. There is nothing more REAL than being able to lay down next to someone, telling them your day was shitty, and letting the tears roll down. Saving your true emotions for your spouse is what creates that REAL relationship. Knowing you can turn to them for anything and everything. Let’s face it. We don’t always tell people how it is. We bite our tongues a lot. And, at the end of the day, we all want to let out everything we held in. Your wedding vows were meant to be carried on throughout your entire life with your spouse. Whether we state them verbatim, or through action, we must keep them.
The Build
Now, I know schedules are insane, and life doesn’t always allow for a lot of free time. Schedule the time! (You know me and my schedule!) I can’t tell you how much I adore my time with Rick. If I’m busy, then I know he is 10x more busy. For him to be so adamant about “Date Night” every week, makes US feel so HUGE! As it should. Without the equation of US, the rest of our life wouldn’t exist. No kids, no drive to live for something bigger than ourselves, no want for adventure. We make it a priority to spend time together. These are precious moments in time that we can talk about our life together, our life at home, about our kids, about the future. We plan vacations for just the two of us, we have date nights in when we can’t go out, we even write REALLY corny notes to each other. The point is, we make the time for each other, time to talk… just like we plan for other major events. WE are a major event, EVERY DAY! Set reminders and block out times on the schedule. I even know amazing parents that are no longer together, both in new relationships, that still make it a point to talk a couple times a week about their kids. These are important conversations. These are the agreements you made to one another when you chose to create life together, don’t back out on such an amazing opportunity and gift.
Creating a team and REAL relationship, doesn’t require romance. (Like I said above, I know amazing divorced parents!) It requires respect and understanding for one another. A respect that each of you brings different skills and tools to the table. Sometimes your idea may not work well, but your spouses is just right. Respect the fact that you will not always be the topic of praise or conversation. Sometimes the conversation will be focused on your spouse. Respect the fact that your spouse will not always agree with you, or even like you some days. The fights and disagreements will always be there, but laughing together again will make those arguments almost disappear into the background. Every conversation, every fight, every agreement are all building blocks for your REAL relationship, not just with your spouse, but with your kids as well.
Kids In The Mix
Your kids will greatly benefit from a parental unit that openly communicates and builds a household as a team. It’s like any sports team. There isn’t just one coach, there are multiple coaches working in alternate areas in order for the team to have a successful season. When coaches begin to bad mouth another coach, stops communicating all together, or doesn’t show up for practice, the team as a whole fails. It crumbles the efforts of the other coaches. The moral of the team collapses. Be upfront, and most importantly bring YOU to the relationship with your spouse. As parents, we are the most important coaches our kids will ever have.
I have always believed in the statement: “A REAL man treats his wife the same way he wants another man to treat his daughter.” This goes both ways. A Real woman treats her husband the same way she wants another woman to treat her son. We are daily reminders for our kids. In order to raise kids that are respectful and understanding of others, we need to start teaching by example. Our chaotic world that our kids are growing up in, is overwhelming to say the least. Most kids have no idea how to communicate in conversations in person. Video chats are becoming the norm, instead of going out with your friends. While I’m ok with adapting to the new ways, I also believe we need to build a strong presence of keeping things “old school” at the same time. Have conversations with your spouse in front of your kids. (Yes, it’s ok to kiss in front of them too!) Show affection, and what is appropriate, and what is not. Put down your phone when they ask you a question. Truly listen. Even argue in front of them. I have no idea why so many parents are afraid to argue in front of their kids! Arguments are important for kids to witness. They learn how to fight fair, how resolve arguments, and how to stand their ground. Why would we prevent our kids from learning any of these skills? We give our kids access to “social” outlets without teaching them how to communicate? It’s like throwing a glass on the floor and wondering if it will break after it shatters everywhere.
Kids learn how to communicate by repetition and imitation. How we, as their parents, communicate at home, has a massive impact on their world they walk through every day. It may not be our words so much, but our tone, our physical reaction, and how we converse with the other parent, that reflects our kids interaction with others. “Monkey see, Monkey do”. Let us be respectful and understanding with each other. But, most of all let us be REAL.
